Yesterday, something happened to me that I’d never expected. I failed my exam. I know, I know, there are people in this world who have it much worse yada yada yada – I don’t care right now. Because this was/is a big deal for me. I’m the kind of student that overall does pretty well. I’m not a straight A student (more like B/C) and I’m not amazing at everything, but I’m not really bad at anything either, if that makes sense. Just.. Mediocre-ish. But then I had the experience of failing an exam. Which was something I knew could happen, I just didn’t think it could happen to me.
I mean, no one likes exams. They’re awful! You’re nervous, you’re wondering if you studied enough and then you get in there and most of the time, once you get to talking, it all works out alright. At least that’s usually the case. But yesterday, for the first time ever, I experienced forgetting most of what the subject was about and being unable to answer basic questions. And then the blow came. “That didn’t work out. It’s an F.” And I just sat there, stumped. Did that seriously happen!? And now, I’m pretty sad. Yesterday and a lot of today I have spent basically crying my eyes out. How could everyone else do well and not me? I’m still pretty sad, but now I’m also a little bitter and mad. Because everyone had told me that the teacher was good and would help you out, but that is only the case if you can actually answer his questions. Otherwise I’d been told that he would keep digging at the things he could feel you didn’t know. So even though I admit that I did not know some basic stuff, I also think he slaughtered me a bit. If I honestly told him that I couldn’t answer his question then he would just rephrase the same question. And then I got home and I talked to me boyfriend who had passed that exact exam the day before. We’d gotten the same question and when I saw his papers and heard what he had talked about, I found that it was almost the same as what I had said! Granted, he had a few more points than me, but not something that would separate us two grades. So I guess what I am saying is, that I completely understand that I didn’t get one of the higher grades, but I also don’t completely understand, what made it a failing performance.
Now I have two weeks before taking the exam again. And I am tired. I am so, so tired. And mad. At myself, at the teacher. Because failing this does not only mean taking the exam again. It means that I have to study for this exam while I read all in the curriculum for my other subjects, hoping I won’t fall behind and have too much work to do next exam season so this will happen again.
I’m glad that the people I’ve told has tried to cheer me up, and I’m sure that in a few days I’ll be able to forget all of this and remember the nice things that people have told me, I just don’t think it is today. Today, none of those words help me very much.The only one who can help me accept this is.. Me.. Which is a cliché, but clichés are popular for a reason. But believe me, those words and their meaning will not be forgotten.
I know it is not the end of the world. I know worse things can happen – worse things has happened to me in the past. But feeling sad is okay. It is okay. I’m taking the next couple of days off as I was going to, had I passed. I am so tired, these last couple of months have been so hard with 6 exams in 6 weeks. I’m going to take a couple of days to relax and bounce back and recharge my batteries. I’m going to do things I like doing as opposed to things you have to do. I had planned to clean the apartment, but that can wait. My head needs the clean-up more. My mental health means more.
If you’ve read this far, I’m quite impressed. I’m not even sure why I wanted to share this here. I might regret it in half an hour and take it down again. This is a way for me to try to put it behind me. If it will work, only time will tell.